Asshole Parenting Diary Entries 4-7

Just a recap: I started writing my own Asshole Parenting Diaries on my Facebook after seeing Asshole Parent articles on Buzzfeed & Twitter. The initial idea is not mine and I wish the stories belonged to somebody else ๐Ÿ˜…๐Ÿ˜ฉ๐Ÿ˜ญ Enjoy!

Entry #4 (October 26): I offered Hayden cereal. We had been sharing a bowl of Golden Grahams and I offered him another bite. Apparently I missed the memo that he had had enough of my bowl of sweet delicious goodness. I finally put the pieces together when he threw his glasses and a colossal fit. We’re on the same page now.


Entry #5 (December 4): I really stepped in it this time folks. You may have thought you knew the worst parent in the world. You may have thought it was one of those Teen Moms, or maybe a Real Housewife. Your kids may have even started to worry that it was you. But you can tell them to rest easy, cause it’s me.
I gave Hayden some barbecue chips. I know, I know, how could I?!?! And this was after I already made him eat some oatmeal AND a piece of bacon today. Somebody call the authorities cause this kid has it rough. The massive temper tantrum he threw let me know he wasn’t interested in my barf-flavored addition to his lunch. He continued his protest by eating every one of them on his plate. Finally, after failing to reach his union rep, he made one final stand by falling asleep on the floor of his room so I could think about what I had done.

#sos #messagereceived #FoundingMemberOfTheUnionForOppressedChildren

Entry #6 (January 17): Backstory- For two hours every day, we are supposed to be patching Hayden’s stronger eye to force his weaker eye (affectionally known as his “wonky eye”) to straighten out. And like the mean, hateful, terrible people we are, we usually only make him wear it for an hour (half hour morning & night while he eats).
So after having a delightful afternoon of running and playing, we put on his patch to wear while he’s eating dinner…like we do almost EVERY night.

Hayden’s reaction: ๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿ˜ก๐Ÿ˜ค๐ŸŒ‹

He gently reminded us that he didn’t want to wear his patch tonight and that he has full faith his wonky eye would sort itself out eventually.
His punishment for our forgetfulness: taking 45 minutes to eat (he only wears the patch for half an hour); attempting to hit, kick, scratch, or bite any inch of us he can reach; and simply being a treat for the rest of the evening.
My punishment for me: lifting my self-imposed drinking ban with a monster glass of wine and making drink plans for Thursday. I’ll be at La Playa if anyone needs me. I’ll be the one still crying into my cocktail.


Entry #7 (March 23):ย Today’s Asshole Parenting Diary is brought to you by the time 3:52 AM (no that’s not a typo) and comes with a video. Little man woke up a little damp and uncomfortable. ๐Ÿ’ฆ๐Ÿ’ฆ Because I’m a halfway decent mother, I changed him and gently convinced him to fall back asleep. ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿป๐Ÿ˜ด

Turns out, I’m no decent mother at all (or just a shitty motivational speaker). I forgot that he had a very important showing of Toy Story to get to. Totally my fault. My bad. He reminded me by slamming his door over and over for another hour. ๐Ÿ˜ฑ๐Ÿ˜ณ
In order to diffuse my head before it exploded, the Alvarado Cinema ๐ŸŽฌ๐ŸŽŸ๐ŸŽญ opened promptly at 5 and by 6:00 we had moved on to practicing for our NASCAR career. Since he can’t drive yet, he’s practicing with an RC car that makes the world’s most annoying noise. ๐Ÿ‘€๐Ÿ˜ต๐Ÿš—

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